Why did I not know about this?

Bowen Theory aka Family Systems Theory is

“… a theory of human behavior that views the family as an emotional unit and uses systems thinking to describe the unit’s complex interactions. It is the nature of a family that its members are intensely connected emotionally. Often people feel distant or disconnected from their families, but this is more feeling than fact. Families so profoundly affect their members’ thoughts, feelings, and actions that it often seems as if people are living under the same “emotional skin.” People solicit each other’s attention, approval, and support, and they react to each other’s needs, expectations, and upsets. This connectedness and reactivity make the functioning of family members interdependent. A change in one person’s functioning is predictably followed by reciprocal changes in the functioning of others. Families differ somewhat in their degree of interdependence, but it is always present to some degree.” - thebowencenter.org

I just learned about this extremely useful psychology subject from the always very perfect podcast The Art of Manliness*. Quality interviews with authors of interesting non-fiction books. I’m quite in line with the selection of books and the host does an aspirationally good job of actually reading the books and then letting the guest do all the talking. (Seems like a no-brainer, really isn’t.)

Just an excellent introduction to a powerful subject, highly recommended: TAOM #1010: How to Resist Group Anxiety and Become a Differentiated Self.

*) Please don’t be unjustly put off by the name, it pre-dates a time when masculinity-related terms turned suspect.

NOTES & LINKS

  • acute anxiety vs. chronic anxiety (10m20s)
    • acute anxiety is always around physical safety
    • chronic anxiety is built on a false need that feels real
      • is the thing that leads to burn-out
    • chronic anxiety doesn’t look like worry
      • it looks like reactivity (11m54s)
    • chronic anxiety is the only kind that is contagious (13m10s)
  • The Big 5 False Needs (13m35s)
    • control
    • perfection
    • knowing the answer
    • being there for others when they are hurting
    • people pleasing
  • the problem isn’t being there for others, the problem is when you can’t tell the difference between their need and your need to be needed (16m0s)
    • to be fused/merged/enmeshed (16m40s)
      • to be fused means that you’ve gotten too close to each other and you cannot tell the difference between where I end and the next person begins

Managing Leadership Anxiety: Yours and Theirs (Steve’s book)

Steve’s Website (best profile photo ever)

A Failure of Nerve (book mentioned)

The Cornerstone Concept (book mentioned)